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Monday 28 May 2012

WEEK 11 - 27th May - 2nd June 2011

Friday 27th May
Last day of work. Feels like am about to be released into community after lengthy jail term.
 Am leaving to start course in interior design. Hoorah!
Met Tom after school / work and killed time while Amy has hair cut. Went to M and S as T needed loo. He was AGES. Had to sit down on chair to wait.Tempted to call him on mobile. Finally reappeared and went to collect Amy. Amy hair short and in asymmetric bob.
At dinner Rob told Amy she looked like Phil Oakey of Human League. Blank looks so googled picture. Amy still baffled as Phil Oakey now completely bald.
Sunday 29th May
All went to Katie-Jaynes in evening for dinner. Delicious steak. In lull after main course observed that all place mats feature Australian creatures. (K-J lived out there for some years so house full of Australiana like didgeridoos and giant wooden lizards). Told assembled company that my mat featured a kangaroo. Amy replied that hers had a long-necked turtle and an enchilada. I think echidna was the word she was looking for. Much hilarity. After dinner Tom and Rob tasked with putting chickens and ducks to bed. Away so long I went to look for them and found them both cuddling chickens at the end of the garden. Managed to persuade them to return indoors but halfway down garden Rob became distracted by guinea pig. Gave up and went back to house for another glass of wine.
Monday 30th May
Called Julia in morning. Discussed Rob’s strange affinity with Guinea pigs. (Love that Guinea pig in French is cochon d’Inde which translates as Indian pig.) Told Julia about friendly chickens next door. She said they had just taken delivery of 15 ex-battery hens which refuse to go to bed. Much chicken chasing previous night and one escaped over rear garden fence. Julia and children had to jump in car and race round streets to rear of garden wielding sticks where managed to corner chicken. Drove back to house with chicken on Heloise’s knee. Neighbours must think they are completely barmy.
Australian placemat talk continued at lunchtime when Tom said his mat had shown a lesser spotted taco and Rob said his was of a flat coated chimichanga and a flock of tortillas. Amy took this quite well but joke starting to wear thin. Think may start to lash out if smart arse comments continue.
Tuesday 31st May
Went shopping in Swindon. Found Elvis wig for dogs in Hawkins Bazaar. Also managed to find lots of graffiti. Had enchiladas for dinner in Amy’s honour.
Wednesday 1st June
Up to Worcester to see Julia, Charlie and children. Took gifts of wine and Simnel cake for Toby who loved ours at Easter ( the cake, not the wine). All taken aback by how much Zulu (9 year old Labrador)has grown since last visit. Think he may have eaten all the pies. Julia very defensive of dog weight gain and insisted larger appearance due to ‘baggy skin’ which apparently is well known in ageing dogs. J said that Murphy ( our deceased chocolate lab) was another example of this phenomenon.  Not best comparison to make as Murphy known to all as greediest dog in UK and possibly world. Went with Julia to collect George (Border Terrier) from poodle parlour where was being stripped. Drove home with George on back seat smelling very strongly of soap and shedding fluff whenever he moved.
Charlie modelled red shiny suit made by tailor in Tunisia. Worse than could possibly have imagined especially with white slip on shoes.  First outing for suit will be to smart 40th birthday party in London next month. If I was Julia I would arrive and leave separately.
Julia clearly still feeling defensive of pets. Later in day produced book about Border Terriers as proof that George is normal for breed. Pointed out that pictures gave no scale of dogs featured and that while George may look like Border Terrier he is twice the size of any others I have seen, hence nickname -GMD (Genetically Modified Dog).
Toby also much bigger than when last saw him and eating like horse. Something in water?
Later went in to town where Charlie bought black satin shirt to wear with red shiny suit.

Thursday 2nd June
Woken at 6am as usual by Zulu and George howling. Mad house.
Later in morning went for walk in Malverns where Julia asked by friendly fellow dog walker what breed of dog George was. Didn’t dare make eye contact with Amy or Tom. Lovely walk only marred slightly by Julia screaming at Zulu who ran round frightening small children. George kept on lead as untrustworthy and uninsured.
Returned to Worcester and presented with large jar of ‘Charlie’s Bee Juice’ by Charlie. First honey from his own hives. Impressed!
Left mad family in afternoon to return to Shrivenham where staying in friends empty house.

Wednesday 23 May 2012

WEEK 10 - 20- 27th May 2011

Friday 20th May
Amy and I to Waitrose after work to buy essentials for D of E expedition which included Dry Shampoo ( Is this really necessary when only away for one night? I think not.), large quantity of TUC biscuits, jelly babies and a cucumber. Realised at checkout that debit card missing from wallet. Mild panic. Paid for weird shopping with credit card, collected Tom and friends and headed to train station where remembered had made last purchase with card 24 hours previously. Relieved and happy to discover they had found my card, short lived when told that they had shredded it. Tempted to say ‘Oh bloody great, thank you very much’.
Amy packing for D of E expedition. Planning to take Rob’s 60 litre rucksack. Rob tentatively suggested smaller rucksack might be better but Amy fiercely adamant that there was no way it would hold all her stuff.
Rob, Hector and I decide to decamp to pub which would normally be relaxing but this time full of shouting toddlers. Return home after one drink.
On arriving home Tom complains of bright red and sore arm caused by Amy attempting to wax it. Asked why he allowed her to do this. He said ’allow’ wasn’t really the term he would choose as she had run into the study where he was playing CoD with Sam and Hugh and slapped hot wax strip on his arm. Wax not hot enough so no hairs lost but neither would it come off so had to be removed with washing up scrubby- sponge. Promise will speak to Amy.
Rucksack decision finalised when Rob gets 60 litre version out of attic and Amy unable to lift it even when empty. 
Entertained during dinner by Tom’s friend Hugh showing us how to snap bananas.
Saturday 21st May
Sassy, Izzy and Naomi arrive to be taken by me to Marlborough Downs. Enormous rucksacks. Struggle lifting Sassy’s into boot of car. Izzy says ‘Oh my god did anyone pack any lip gloss?’ I say nothing. In car Izzy says ‘Look I brought my special birdy hair clip’. I remain silent. Girls sing extremely loudly all the way. Drop them off feeling deafened and apprehensive. At least weather sunny.
Go for lovely sunny walk with Rob, Tom and Hector round village and through water meadow. Step in very sloppy cow pat. Spend time talking to herd of young cows who are fascinated by Hector. Hector less keen and slinks off. Cows allow us to stroke their heads and try to lick us. Tom very taken by them and hard to drag him away.
Sunday 22nd May
Return of the trekker. Tired, dirty, wearing the same clothes she set off in yesterday and apparently having eaten nothing but custard creams for 36 hours. Izzy lost the special birdy clip.
Hoping for nice family evening all together but Tom refusing to come downstairs as Amy watching dreadful old film in sitting room starring ‘El Flopso’, which is Tom speak for Hugh Grant.
Spoke to Julia. Charlie still working in Tunisia and having party suit made out of stripy red fabric. Think is time he came home.
Monday 23rd May
Ensuite smelly again. Noooooooooo!
Rob and I notice in evening that strawberries in back garden are being eaten by something. Can’t imagine slugs are culprits. Wonder if is cat but not sure if cats eat fruit.
Tuesday 24th May
Tom spots rabbit crossing front garden as leave for school/ work. Think probably is strawberry thief.  Cat exonerated. Tom asks for permission to shoot rabbit with air rifle.
Children starving after school. Hurriedly prepare dinner of bangers and mash. Wonder why potatoes making squeaking sound and taking ages to boil. Realise belatedly have forgotten to put water in pan. Cut charred bits off potatoes and use clean, non-blackened pan. Hope gravy will disguise burny taste .Seems to work as children do not comment and clear plates. Phew!
Wednesday 25th May 11
Throughout day keep receiving odd web links from Rob who is either bored or losing plot. First was an article about skydiving dogs. (They do jumps with their special forces handlers.)  Apparently dogs don’t mind jumping out of planes as they lack awareness of the distance to earth. They are more concerned by the engine noise. Interesting.
Next I receive link to information about Alfa Romeo Brera. Think Rob might be fancying new car. Brera looks to me exactly like Alfa Romeo we already have but am sure there must be subtle differences I am missing.

Friday 18 May 2012

WEEK 9 - 13th - 19th May 2011

Friday 13th May

Emailed Rob from work in thoughtful ‘wifey’ mode and asked if he would like anything special for dinner as was going to Waitrose after work. R replied with web link to complex curry recipe. What happened to a simple ‘I’ll have bangers and mash please’ kind of response?
Tom called on mobile as was finishing work to say he and Joe would like pizza for dinner as he (Tom) couldn’t use cutlery with broken finger. Rather lame excuse but said OK.

On way home Amy told Joe (coming for sleepover and the one who’s foot connected with Tom’s finger) that we were considering taking legal action. Joe replied fine with him as mother a personal injury lawyer. Note to self; Don’t mess with Joe.
Saturday 14th May
Called upon to wash Tom’s hair as tricky with one hand. Found him in bath wearing flannel as loin cloth and with sandwich bag on left hand.
Mother in law visitation. Estimated touchdown 12.30pm. Arrived promptly and apparently had good journey apart from seeing dead wallaby at the side of the road near Oxford (Hmmm) and hitting heavy traffic near Stonehenge (not literally).
Gardened in afternoon and m-i-l spent an hour digging dandelions out of back lawn! Extremely helpful but hope this is not expected to be reciprocal arrangement.
Amy revising for GCSE Biology and Chemistry and planning D of E expedition on phone with Izzy. Said they have decided to travel light by sharing make-up bag. Good grief.
Rob complaining that freezer full of nothing tasty, only large quantity of ‘bags of brown’ which are mine and which I should eat. Have no idea what these ‘bags of brown’ are. Suppose will have to investigate. 
Sunday 15th May
Stung by criticism of freezer management. In quiet moment examine contents which do prove to be largely unidentifiable. Not sure what to do as;
1.       Don’t wish to eat any of it.
2.       Can’t get anything else into freezer.
3.       Hector still on DOG FOOD ONLY regime so no ‘bags of brown’ for him.
Thursday 19th May
Unsettling breakfast caused by cat racing round house at top speed with mad look in its eye. Walked up Church Bottom at 07.30 with dog who provided much more relaxing company. Think he is becoming short sighted though as raised hackles and rushed up track to what he clearly thought was  another creature but which was actually lump of wood.
At work Amy appeared at my desk with Izzy at 2.15 having sat first GCSE. Both in high spirits and steal bright blue plastic shoe covers (for snowy days) which they proceed to wear on heads. Don’t remember being this manic in middle of my O’Levels. 
Notice on return home that Persian rug is being made smelly by dog sitting on it all day. Wonder why old dogs become smelly when old people do not. Mum and Dad both very fragrant. Open back door to let in fresh air. Cat sitting on door mat eating entire dead mouse. Lovely.

Sunday 13 May 2012

WEEK 8 - 6th - 12th May 2011

Saturday 7th May
Drove to London to see Army v Navy match at Twickenham. As approached stadium became aware that were surrounded by coach loads of beer drinking supporters. As drew alongside one coach Amy and Tom greatly amused to be mooned by male passenger. Amy took photo of ‘the bum’ on her new camera. Finally parked car and made way to stadium, stopping to buy something to eat on way. Children and Robert delighted that I was harassed by group of soldiers who wanted to share my chips. Beery but amiable atmosphere in stands. Very exciting match (Army won 44-10) made more so by well-built streaker invading the pitch in the second half. Observed he was wearing his socks. Stewards chased and caught him to loud booing from crowd. Fortunate perhaps that by this stage Amy’s camera had run out of battery.
Stayed at friends flat near Olympia and in evening walked to High Street Kensington past restaurants, Iranian supermarket and kinky underwear shop with bizarre zip up bra and knickers in the window. All had a good look and agreed must be really uncomfortable and I said a bit of a hazard too if you got pubic hair or private parts stuck in zip. Tom in full agreement but Amy ‘grossed out' by my comments and demanded end to conversation.
Amy disappointed by the lack of graffiti for her to photograph for GCSE art project. I said what did she expect in Kensington and that Chelsea and that Westminster on Sunday unlikely to prove more fruitful. Not keen on making detour via graffiti rich area on way home to Chalke Valley. Am I being unsupportive mother? Might be some graffiti in Salisbury.
Sunday 8th May
To Wellington Barracks for Scots Guards remembrance Service and march to Horse Guards. 
Tom not pleased at having to wear smart trousers and shirt. Complained that looked like mental patient, which he did a bit. Amy looking very pretty but skirt extremely small like handkerchief. Rob smart in suit although discovered belatedly that medals needed cleaning . Tried Body shop make up remover but didn’t work. Spent first 5 minutes at Wellington Barracks hunting in vain for Brasso.  Saw many Scots Guards officers, past and present who hadn’t seen for long time. Children squirming slightly at being told how much they had grown. All enjoyed running alongside marchers to Horse Guards. Spotted Rob grinning in midst looking quite foxy in the sunshine (in the ginger sense but also very attractive of course) He wasn’t best pleased by first observation and insists is blond ( Complete rubbish. Hasn’t been blond since age 3 judging by photos).
Back at Wellington Barracks children bemused to see Japanese tourist watching Jack Russell terrier being walked on lead inside railings by retired officer and then actually taking photo of it peeing against tree. Had to shush children who were becoming lairy.
After all Army stuff went to Kings Road and had lunch at MacDonalds. Big Yum. Rob dropped into conversation that mint and tea tree shower gel stings him. I said why on earth did he buy it then as had also brought children out in rash and why buy shower products that are painful? He said he had bought 2 bottles and didn’t want them to go to waste. Children said they got rash from using lemon soap not tea tree shower gel. Silly me.
Sunday evening at home Tom asked me who I had been talking to about Elvis at Wellington Barracks. Baffled as had no recollection of discussing Elvis with anyone. He insisted a chubby army officer had told me his son Elvis was going to Sandhurst.  Racked brains and finally remembered that chubby officer had been talking about his ELDEST , not his ELVIS. Said that despite changing times I thought it unlikely that guards officer would have son called Elvis. Amy and Rob snorting with laughter. Tom embarrassed by mistake and got quite bolshy. 
Finally got soap dish to stick to wall of ensuite shower.
Woken in night by sound of soap dish falling off wall of shower. Will return it to shop. 

 Thursday 12th May
Got call on mobile at lunchtime. Tom suspected broken finger. On way to school, calculated have been in A and E more than once a year for last 13 of Tom’s life;
1.       Cycling into stone column outside Buckingham palace while looking at Concord
2.       Tripping on bathmat and gashing head on doorframe
3.       Falling in classroom and putting teeth through cheek. How?
4.       Intolerance to dairy products until aged 5
5.       Croup
6.       Getting sawdust in eye when cleaning out rat
7.       Suspected broken arm/ wrist x3
8.       Cauterisation of left nostril
9.       Cauterisation of right nostril
10.   Damaged  Achilles tendon caused by pushing off rugby boot with one foot and slamming heel of other foot on concrete floor
11.   Finger injured during game of tag when came into contact with friend Joe’s shoe. How? We never played tag with our feet.

Got home at 4.30 after 3 hours in A and E. Finger broken. In evening Tom called Rob and then Mum and Dad to elicit sympathy. Tom said Mum had told him he’d ‘been in the wars’. Asked if she had called him a ‘Poor little sausage’. She had, but surprisingly did not say ‘If you’d do that to yourself what would you do to me?’

Bizarre coincidence in A and E which would not be credible even in corny TV drama; In x-ray bumped into Katie-Jayne and younger daughter Tasmin, the latter with suspected broken arm. Returned to waiting room to find Tom’s best friend Hector and mother Emily. Hector also with suspected broken arm. Began to hope Tom’s finger was broken otherwise might appear wimpy by comparison.

In evening had glass of wine with Katie-Jayne, necessary for mothers who have spent all afternoon in A and E. Both Tasmin and Hector’s arms broken.

Thursday 10 May 2012

WEEK 7- 29th April - 5th May 2011

Friday 29th April
Royal wedding day! All very excited except Dad and Rob who departed early to buy newspaper and walk dog. Started watching TV at 8.30am . People already arriving at Westminster Abbey 2.5 hours before start of service. Expect there will be many numb bums and people desperate for a pee. Are there public loos in Westminster Abbey? Toby spotted newsagent and wife from Kate Middleton's home village but Rob (having returned)pointed out that it was actually the Sultan of Brunei .
Caught Mum adding marmite to dogs bowl to try and tempt his appetite. Said that I thought probable cause of dog’s food faddiness was expectation of marmite/ gravy and that marmite was too salty and expensive for dog. Mother chastened.
Saturday 30th April
Got up early as Katie-Jayne away and therefore am on duck, chicken, quail and guinea pig duty. Collecting eggs from duck house when put hand in duck poo. Said ‘Yuk’ loudly, stood up too quickly and fell over backwards. Fortunately managed not to drop eggs. Observe that quail are small but very greedy. Cockerel being  territorial and pecked my leg.
Julia and Mum took Heloise for cycle practice to school car park. Julia went on my bike to show solidarity and managed to fall off while stationary (How?)then Heloise came off bike in nettle patch on way home. Mental image of Julia toppling off bike sideways very amusing until realised she had bloodied both knees. Heloise also covered in nettle stings. Disastrous! Glad mother went on foot.
Dad said he and Mum would like to pay for marmite supplement to dog’s diet for remainder of dog’s life. Explained again  a bit testily that this was not going to happen. Good grief!
Sunday 1st May
Call from Dad on cross channel ferry to France to say he had found our shed key in pocket. Think Dad has shed fixation. Lucky we have a spare.
As was remaking spare bed after departure of thousands of guests, Tom announced wish to become vegetarian. Surprising. Pointed out that for a meat and potato fan who doesn’t much like vegetables this was a slightly flawed plan. Hope this will quash idea for time being.
Have decided dog to be given NO HUMAN FOOD. Think he is getting too many scraps which seems to prefer to own (admittedly dull) food.
Monday 2nd May
Dog appetite restored! It’s a miracle. And all without Marmite. Must inform parents.
Rob, Amy, Tom and I took Hector for walk through village, past watercress beds and allotments. Passed psychotic rescue dog which looks like wolf with owner. Psycho dog started making loud and alarming yowling sound unlike any sound I have ever heard. Glad was on other side of fence. Owner seemed embarrassed and said behaviour was due to lack of confidence. Extraordinary! Children started laughing hysterically.
Tuesday 3rd May
Item on radio on way to school/work about discovery of prehistoric breed of ants as big as small birds. Amy said her bum was itchy, probably due to thinking of ants. I said maybe she had bum infection or bottom-lice. Amy outraged and refused to continue conversation. I said she had started it and I never wanted to hear about her itchy bottom in the first place.
Followed car containing bald man. Amy said if she was going bald she would paint bald patch same colour as hair, in this case brown. I said I didn’t think this would prove much of a disguise, particularly if paint started flaking off. Amy suggested cutting out a circle of felt and sticking it to head. I said this was also rubbish idea as might be mistaken for a hat. Arrived at school before could come up with any other ideas.
After work purchased soap dish with sucker pads to fix on side of en suite shower. Spent 20 minutes trying to assemble and attach it to tiles . Kept falling off. Stood on bar of squishy soap in bare feet. Abandoned plan. Suggested to Rob he might have more success but he said ‘These things are always rubbish’ in real ‘know it all’ tone.

Sunday 6 May 2012

WEEK 6 - 22nd - 28th April 11

Friday 22nd April
Rob has built wooden structure to break up appearance of long thin garden and provide something for wisteria to grow up. Looks like gibbet but don’t like to say so.
Mum and Dad arrived for Easter and immediately started gardening, assembling rose arch made by father in shed and generally being helpful. Like having two house elves, one large and one small.
Dog refusing to eat.
Tuesday 26th April
Came downstairs at 7am to find cat squatting on rug in kitchen staring fixedly at fire place. Rescued frightened mouse from grate where it had squeezed behind fire guard to escape clutches of death cat. Managed to get cream cardigan covered in ash and soot. Put mouse in compost heap and went to get changed.
On return home, murderous cat again had mouse which looked suspiciously similar to one from earlier. Performed second rescue of mouse which then bit me, drawing blood. Worried all evening that might develop strange, mouse borne disease.
Brother in law Charlie due to go to Tunisia today but was stung by bee and spent part of night in A and E after bad reaction. Why is our family plagued by insect bites? Is a bee an insect?
Trying to decide menu for Royal Wedding day. Has to be British. Tom sulking because curry ruled out. (Only because have eaten own body weight in curry lately. Am of course aware that Chicken Tikka Masala is favourite national dish.).Think will have fish and chips and mushy peas( optional). Children very scathing of my Northern fondness for mushy peas. Julia bringing lots of asparagus from Evesham which will be lovely apart from smelly wee.
Dog still not eating.

Thursday 3 May 2012

WEEK 5 - 15th - 21st April

Friday 15th April
Drive to Paris. Maud the Sat Nav (named after friends dog who is small but loud)gets us a bit lost but eventually get to apartment belonging to Robs friend, near Eiffel tower. While making supper in tiny Parisian kitchen Amy and Tom announce they know the name of the flat owner and his date of birth as they have found his passport. Give small lecture on not prying and going through peoples stuff. They say they weren't.Passport was on table in sitting room. Am intrigued that flat owner is in UK with family but passport is in Paris. Maybe he is like Jason Bourne with multiple identities.
Sunday 17th April
Leave Paris. Am embarrassed that have used all loo roll in flat but unable to find any shops open nearby.
Stay in hotel in Amiens. Giant family room with enormous bathroom containing spa bath. Tom very excited by this and spends most of evening under water and by end of evening has perfected 'human prune' look. Will be irritated if this proves one abiding memory of expensive holiday.
Monday 18th April
Arrive in Brussels late evening. Quite an odd place. People we meet also odd.
Tuesday 19th April
Visit statue of pissing boy and many chocolate shops. Realise oddness of Brussels is due to it actually being quite boring. Debate leaving early and heading back to UK but decide against.
Wednesday 20th April
Depart Brussels early (Hoorah!)and arrive in Broad Chalke at 4pm. Lots of weeds but no new grass due to;
1.       Lack of rain
2.       Fat pigeons eating grass seed
Thursday 21st April
Zumba again. Can now do most of moves except one where you put arms out to side and shake body  causing tummy/boobs to wobble seductively. When I do it nothing moves except my arms. Rather humiliating. Perhaps need to be more relaxed. Practice in front of mirror in bedroom later but no improvement. Tom walks in and gives me strange look but refrains from commenting.